We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
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