he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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