Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
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