Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
