I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Randomize
