Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Randomize
