somebody snuck up and got me drunk
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
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I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
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WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
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