I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
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