"it" just moved
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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