true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Randomize
