I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
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