so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
