I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Randomize
