I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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