My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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