The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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