rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
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