Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
