sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
