Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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