There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
She told me I should be a condom model.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
