I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Randomize
