Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I have already put on my inside pants.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
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