her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
