About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
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i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
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This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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