The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
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