Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
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She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
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Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
The air taste purple.
Randomize