You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
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