Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
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