dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
