My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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