I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
