Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
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