I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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