Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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