The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
