Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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