Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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