I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Randomize
