i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Be still, my beating vagina.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
So I just went to clothing optional bar
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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