I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
