i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
And the cops told us we were all naked.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
