hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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