can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
