I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
