So drunk, too bad you don't want this
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
