I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
