May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Randomize
