im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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