new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
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