even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
