i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
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