I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
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