The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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