Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
