Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Randomize
