There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Randomize
