a queef is a wish your heart makes.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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