This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.