I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?