I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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