when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
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