he puts the penis in happiness.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Randomize
