another moral hangover. fuck.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
