So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Randomize
