He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
