As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
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I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
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I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
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